Just the Facts, Jack!


A tongue-in-cheek social commentary on humans from the perspective of a tri-pod rescue dog named Jack. Featuring a slathering of fun dog facts thrown in the mix and geared to help us laugh at ourselves because, as Jack puts it, “You humedians are pretty dang funny!”

First commentary: “Get A Job!”

Ask any kid what they want to be when they grow up and the chances are pretty good they will say a pro-athlete, firefighter, doctor, or teacher. When I was a pup, I wanted to be a barkeaologist. Hmm, I hear some of you humedians say, as you rub your chins, Freud like. You think I made up a word. Well, yes…yes, I did. The term created was in reference to the valuable job a trained dog does on archeological dig sites. We sniff out mummies and such making a surprisingly gentle impact on the environment in the process. Had to call the job something! Always loved the Indiana Jones films after I learned he was named after the family dog! All that hard work to find a moldering mummy and I just get some grub at the end of the day. I think that’s where the phrase chomp change came from.

You know, historically speaking, canines and people came together each looking for a job the other could do for them. People think that they domesticated dogs, but many studies are now saying that is pretty much fallacious thinking. Come on humedians! Since when did dogs not play people to get what they wanted? Not that we don’t love you, make no mistake! Food, snuggles, treats, cozy beds, snacks, watching movies together, half time buffets…you guys are amazing!! We have reciprocated over our time together and holy pup-a-roni, it’s been a very long time we have spent together. The more research that is done, the longer the time is extending. People have been on the planet much longer than was earlier suspected and so many of those years have featured us living and working side by side. Let’s overlook the years you used us as a food source shall we? Talk about the other white meat, huh?? Wonder what spices are best to season dog?

SAyGE…don’t you prefer chicken?
OReGENO…way you should eat me
THYME…to plant some squash
An I SE…the special tonight is saber tooth steaks

In truth, I’m sure we did some nibbling on you guys too. Since the beginning of our time together, humans and dogs have worked in sync, hunting and watching out for each other and our families. We herded with you, pulled your sleds, carried your supplies, were guardians to your camp and children, went to battle with you, and searched for you when you were lost. Studies have shown that during the Bronze Age, dogs came in five basic variety’s: mastiffs, wolf-types, hounds (similar to greyhounds) pointer types, and herding dogs.

Not meaning to be Captain Obvious or anything, there are many jobs that you guys would NOT want to do! Seriously, who would want to be a Dachshund back in the day? Those hardheaded fellers would willing go down a hole after one of the meanest creatures on the planet…badgers. Do not let the name “honey” in front of badger trick you either. Think of Genghis Khan having a baby with Mighty Mouse, who never gives up, and you have a badger. That Genghis Khan really got around!!! Terriers, whose name comes from the word Terra meaning earth, which surprised me because I thought the name came from the word terrorist (terrier companions, you know what I mean), are still being used for rodent control.

We all know what herding dogs have done through the years but what many people don’t realize is that the instinct is so hardwired into their genetic framework that some herding dogs try to herd the kids in the household. Oh heck, I just had an idea for a great new business…making specialized footwear that will protect children with herding dogs in the home! Nip proof footwear keeps a heeler from feeling like a heel. They are not named heelers for nothing.

Currently, dogs do all kinds of jobs that would blow your minds. The stories from the 9/11 search and rescue dogs will bring tears of joy and sadness to your eye. Spoiler alert: there will be a column on that subject soon. Dogs work with police in many venues and especially for search and rescue as cadaver sniffers. In Sudan, dogs are used to clear landmines. They detect mines by smell and sit next to them as the handler places a red flag as a marker for specialists to clear safely. Detection dogs also check baggage and cargo for bombs before they are loaded on planes or ships.

Then, there are the healing arts that dogs can do. Some ancient cultures used dog saliva as a healing agent. Who says those old humedians didn’t have some things right? Next time a dog licks you, give thanks! Wonder if we started charging for kisses would we be required to get an MD license? Maybe we could make our own licenses: DoG Jack. Sounds snazzy! Research is showing that dogs can also help in treating depression and anxiety. Nursing homes and hospitals all use therapy dogs to help their patients feel calm and heal and even relatives and friends in waiting rooms take comfort from the visiting therapy dogs. Dogs can smell high or low blood sugar, anxiety, manic episodes and even cancer. We are so good at looking after our people.

All in all, humans and dogs have had some great times together and it will only get better as dogs’ abilities and intelligence are more fully understood.

We love you, you love us, and the world goes round and round just like the ball I wish someone would toss for me, please? You funny, loveable people!